A New York Times article (login required) by Tara Parker-Pope reports on research that reveals a link between your style of marital arguing and your health. Do you vent your feelings, or do you bottle them up? Choose well or reap the health consequences.
So be careful how you live. Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life…
And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. (Ephesians 5:15–21)
A ten-year study (published in Psycosomatic Medicine) of 4,000 men and women asked whether they vented their feelings or kept quiet in arguments with their spouse. Feelings were bottled up by 32% of the men and 23% of the women. It turns out how men dealt with the arguments (let it out or bottle it up) had no measureable effect on their health. On the other hand, women who self-silenced in marital arguments were 4 times as likely to die as those who were open with their feelings.
So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body. And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil. (Ephesians 4:25–27)
Another study at the University of Utah measured the effect of emotional tone that men and women use in arguments. A warm-fuzzy style of arguing (by either spouse) lowered the wife’s risk of heart disease, although it made no difference in the husband’s heart health.
For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. (Ephesians 5:25)
… Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.
… Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:29–32)
What increased the heart risks for a man is if the disagreements involved a battle for control, regardless of which one made the controlling statements.
For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. (Ephesians 5:22–24)
What’s interesting is that the study looked at the quality of the marriage relationship and found no good correlation to cardiovascular risk. The higher cardiovascular risk only correlated with the couple’s bickering style.
The fact that people so easily decide to leave a church when they become unhappy or discouraged is a result of the “I” culture and our failure as leaders to teach the biblical basis for what a church is and how it works. A few months ago, John Johnson wrote about